Ana Creed...

Ana Creed

It was a lifestyle I chose to live once upon a time. It was my hope, my strength, my being. It was a challenge that I wanted to take to prove to myself that I could actually follow through with something without failing. Day after day, I continuously hurt myself following the creed to try to allow myself to feel better. Currently, I am struggling with wanting to dig out notes and try to start that phase again because in my mind, I really was happy with how I looked. Lately, I have really been struggling with my body/looks. Not only am I still NOT losing weight but now acne has made it's evil appearance once again. I feel like I am going through puberty all over again!


I fear that one day, Brian is going to walk in the door from work and be like, "what happened to you?" I want him to love me and I want him to think that I am beautiful. He tells me this all the time but I have a hard time believing it because of how I view myself. I have a hard time looking at myself how God views me. I don't even know how he views me. 


I know digging out old reading material is bad which is why I have not done it yet but am finding it more and more difficult to not. I remember what it was like doing this many years ago and I remember how dedicated you have to be... in the beginning. Once you get rolling, it's a piece of cake. It's only the first day or two that stink. I want to be able to wear a pretty dress. I want to be able to look nice. I want to not have a closet full of tshirts and actually have a dress shirt or clothing that not only looks good but makes me feel good. How is this possible when I'm not at a size I desire? Working out is a given but that has given me no results. Time to give up? I'm just having a hard day... I wish our bed rooms and bathroom had no mirror so I couldn't look at myself and constantly judge all the flaws I feel I have. How can I be a confident woman when I wish I could hide every day? How can I teach my son to be confident with who he is as he grows up if I am not living by example?

Sure, you say, just do it. Just don't let the negative thoughts get to you. Yeah right. It's easier said than done.


Ah.... Ana Creed I love you but I hate you...........................................................

There are so many things in life that we can get caught up in. Our bills, our desires, our earthly possessions, what clothes we want, what kind of car we drive, etc. These things have no say in our standing in Heaven. Someone told me today that they just didn't know what they would do without their car and how it meant the world to them. This person, I know, has a personal relationship with Jesus. I asked them how much Jesus meant to them... I mean the talk of their car and just how it was "the one" they have always wanted and although it was purchased pridefully [they couldn't/can't really afford it but it looks good] they just "couldn't live without it."

Hm... well, what would you do if God asked you to sell your "prized" possession and get something that didn't look so good?? That's when I heard it, "Jesus would not ask that of me."

Granted, there are times that He would not ask us to get rid of our possessions but this person talks more about their vehicle than their walk with Jesus. I asked how that relationship was and was told they are going through a "dry" season that they aren't spending time in their word because they just don't have time and besides, what's the point if you are in a dry season.

So, I ask myself... what is the point? Why spend time with Jesus? To me, this is a very obvious answer... .... .... .... BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. Jesus needs to be our number one. J-E-S-U-S. Not a vehicle. I mess up in this area sometimes but I am thankful because the minute I get caught up in my possessions, it's like God reminds me that they are really His and not mine... I'm just the keeper of them at this time. Drinks get spilled on our white carpet all the time... did it bother me at first? Yeah, a little. Does it bother me now? No. It's carpet and I the time I would spend being upset that my carpet looks lived in, I could be talking/praying with Jesus and not having to worry about whats stained, broken, dented, etc.

I'm not a very elegant speaker but I have learned over the years that our perspective is huge. What is important to us in our earthly beings isn't necessarily important to Jesus or our relationship with him. I often wonder what Heaven will be like. I mean, it's not like I can take my car up there or my couch... Yes, it's nice to have nice things and things that we are proud of, do not get me wrong, but it's where our perspective is on these items. Do we think more about our things [possessions] than we do about Jesus? Do we desire to spend more time with those things [ie, playing video games etc] than in our word or worshiping our Father in Heaven? I used to do this. My priorities were off but I am SO thankful to have my mind in the right place. I love my life and love my relationship I have with Him. He is my Father, my Savior, my Friend.

Confession: Reality Check

The harsh reality of what being a police officer is all about has set in. Not just a police officer but a police officers wife. As I'm sure you have all heard by now, a State Trooper was shot during a traffic stop with a subject. The officer, thank God, is not majorly hurt but either way, the experience is a reality check.

It is funny because when Brian first became a police officer, I was excited and nervous. It was like my husband was a super hero... fighting crime to make our neighborhoods a safer place for everyone to live in. Then, you get a call at 2:30 in the morning stating something terrible happened, that he was going to be late, and that he would fill me in later. Of course, I immediately start scouring all the new media outlets looking for what took place. All I was told was that it involved an officer but Brian wanted me to know that he was ok. Nothing was posted on the news outlets so I just started to pray for this unknown officer. I prayed for his wife, his children [even though he doesn't have any] and for whatever happened to draw him closer to Jesus. Brian was due home at 3am... at 8:15am, he walks in the door and shares the reality of his career choice... a police officer was shot twice.

Tonight, Brian came home and we found out that the police radio traffic from that night is posted on YouTube. Brian and I listened to it and you hear this officers partner state that his buddy had been shot... his voice quivering... adrenaline pumping... nervous tension was quite evident in his radio call. Can we say reality check? I love that Brian is a police officer but I know that he is not untouchable. B3 and I pray every night that Brian return safely to us every morning and that he be protected while patrolling the streets of Saginaw. What this cop went through was a close call... you can even hear him in the background as his partner is speeding him to the hospital.

Reality Check. That could be Brian some day. I'm hoping that it will not, but it could be and the actions that took place last night make me want to hold him closer, to hug him tighter, to kiss him longer, to love him always. It's a reminder that sometimes the good guys win... sometimes the bad ones do. It's a reminder that I, as a wife and mother, need to trust Jesus with B2 and know that he IS protected. Our God is good ladies and gentlemen. He hears our prayers and I believe he does protect Brian and has equipped him with a heightened sense of awareness while patrolling the streets. I will continue to pray for this trooper and his wife... I ask that you do as well.

If you want to hear that radio call, go here.

It chills me to the bone to hear it... but it is a reality check.

No Confession Today...

No confession to share today... just random thoughts.

Brian and I have decided to beautify our yard, finally after almost a year of living in our home. Our neighbor to the East is very prim and proper about his yard even making sure that our guests, if we have a lot over, do not park near his lawn. Last year we did nothing with the landscaping, except cut down some branches off of the pine trees, and it looked quite dreary.I guess that is what being pregnant will do to ya... cause lots of laziness when it comes to working outside when it's hot out. Part of the front is done as of today ... leaving half the front, the whole east side and back yard yet to do. I'm thankful for my dear friend Sara who wants most of our plants from the yard. I truly do not want them and have zero tolerance for them. If it were a bush type deal I may enjoy it a little more but flowers, although beautiful, require more maintenance than I am willing to give. I'm happy to donate the flowers to someone who will actually care for them because I know we won't and know that we will once again be the "ugly" house on the block. Brian and I had fun getting mulch and looking at shrubery today. I just love spending time with him when I can. Our hectic lives make it difficult at times so I really love the times are actually get together.

B3 is sprouting his 5th tooth. 5. Can you believe it? I surely cannot! I so desperately want to try him on a puff or cheerio type deal so he can get used to feeding himself but am PETRIFIED that he will choke. I don't know how people do it! I gave him the tineist bite of something today, that I knew he would not choke on because it was too little, and he started gagging and was acting like he was choking on that! Oye!! When do you try the other stuff? Should I have 9-1-1 on speed dial??

I'm tired. Exhausted is more like it. This thyroid issue is really killing me. I should be doing better with being on this medication but honestly feel like I am getting worse. I feel more tired, more under the weather, and just more not myself. I still have to wait over a month to get that rechecked... but in good news, I'm all set to have surgery in early April for an issue that has been plaguing me for 8 months now. When I went to the doctor, he said he maybe sees a case like this once every 6 years. I kind of felt like a legend... haha. He said he would always remember me because in 6 years when someone else walks in with the same thing, he will tell them about me and my case 6 years previous. Nice. :o)

Well, enough rambling for this evening. It's time for a nice snack and a heating pad to end my wonderful evening.

Confession: I'm giving up...

There are many reasons why I am going to allow myself to fail/give up when it comes to the worship team. The first of which is that it is extremely hard to try to worship and take care of a child. B team doesn't have child care on it so it's me trying to juggle him and singing and with my wrist going crazy, it's not a good combination. The second of which is I cannot get past the "horrible" comment. All day at practice today, I felt worn down and extremely insecure. I couldn't step past it although I tried several times. I prayed, that didn't help. I tried to get help with B3, that didn't help. I just cannot do it. It's not an encouraging place to be for me anymore and that is truly sad.

Confession: Sometimes I do not understand why God does what he does...

My heart is hurting for my friend who is going through a miscarriage. Having gone through it, I know the pain but it makes me question why God does what he does. I just don't get it. Obviously I know in my head that He does things like this because there could be a defect in the baby or something worse but the pain of having to experience the loss of a baby... of a child. The only thing I have found myself doing is praying for them... praying that hearts will heal and that the road to negativity does not last long. Denial in this process is very easy to go to and I hope that does not happen because it truly does make it worse later on down the road.

Dear Jesus,

I just do not understand. I admit, I am ignorant as to why things happen to good people. I've seen this happen to so many people or know people who would make amazing parents never have the opportunity to have a child of their own. I get confused as to why people who should not have children get to be blessed by them and then the opposite happen to those who deserve them. Ha! Who AM I to judge? Shame on me! God, I know that you know what you are doing... this isn't your first rodeo... but that doesn't mean that I lack understanding. I don't know how to be a support to my friend because I feel the denial process has started but don't want to push either. Please give me the wisdom to handle this situation well for them and be able to be a support whenever needed.

Ah!!!

Confession: I will never face my fear again...

...

I know I shouldn't use definite words like never because I know that one day I will face my fear again but I'm really struggling with one in particular.

I stopped singing a long time ago after being in choir for 4 years and band for 10. I stopped because someone told me that I sounded horrible and that it would do everyone a favor if I stopped. So I did... I stopped singing out loud for 14 years. Well, at a recent worship practice, as in I decided to try it again and have been doing so for a few months now, someone told me that I sounded horrible and that I shouldn't be up there unless I could do it.

Talk about wanting to quit. That person has since apologized but honestly the wound has been uncovered and hit with a big dosage of salt. It sucks. I have lost all confidence to sing and told Pastor that I was no longer on the worship team. Of course he didn't accept that answer but I don't know if I can do it again. I'm trying hard to get over it but it's difficult. I mean, this person could have said, "you were off today" or something nicer... but to say that I sounded horrible and to say it in front of other people is just traumatizing. This has been bothering me for 2 weeks now and I do not know what to do. I know when I'm confident in what I'm doing, I can sing ok... nothing spectacular but did you really have to say "horrible?" I really do want to be done...