Confession: I miss someone I have never met...

Playing

Dancing

Reading

Buying my first car
Going on my first date
Approving of the man I want to marry
Father Daughter Dance
Walking me down the aisle
Seeing my son
Family Cookouts
A HUG




The list can go on and on...

The jist of it, is I miss my father. I miss a man I never knew. I miss the man I hope he was and always envisioned him being. I remember going to his grave site many many years ago [I was a young teenager] and I just remember looking at his headstone and cried. Why? Why shed tears over someone I never met? Granted, he is my father and there will always be that connection we have ... I mean he did give me life but other knowing that, I have nothing to miss. Or do I?

I have always felt stupid when these feelings have come up in me. Yes, I will never have any of the above interactions with him and every year I know this but still does not make it easier. This year it is a little different for me because I find myself asking questions that are important to me but not so to my mom.

Was he saved? [No] But did he believe? [Don't know] Did he cry out to God in his last moments? Did he love me? Why were there NO pictures taken of he and I while he was here? Will I be reunited with him when I pass? WHERE WAS HE AT SPIRITUALLY???? As God becomes an increasingly bigger part of my life, I can't help but think this about all my relatives. I know many are not saved, but some believe. To what extent, who knows because they never talk about it but is it enough?? Some of my family/friends do not understand how I feel and why I believe what I do because to them, God may exist but not enough to captivate them enough to want to learn more. I'm scared for when they pass because how could you not want to spend eternity with Him? Where is my dad??

I was thinking about hell last night and just how miserable of a place that must be and how I never want see it. Then I got thinking... I sin. Is my sin bad enough to send me there? I repent and try to make right what I can, but is it enough?

I can only hope that when I do go, that I will see him waiting for me, arms extended to embrace me. I hope that I will get the hug I've wanted since I knew what hugs were. I'm hopeful that will happen... I'm hoping that in his last moments, he called out to God and God grabbed him and held him in those moments when he was in pain, unable to breathe. I hope that as he took his last breath, he was with Jesus right then and there...


I hope....

Confession: I met some really cool people today!

Church was awesome today [and yes, Mr McCubbin, I can say Awesome because God's work is awesome!!] :o) ! Worship was really rough for me because my throat has been swollen and on fire for a few days so I don't think my part went very well today but I did what I could with what my voice allowed. I felt bad that I wasn't contributing as much as I should have been.

There were SO MANY new faces today in second service.

I started off by meeting a lady who had a 5 month old. She works at the hospital with a friend of ours and came to our church to try it out because it is a lot closer than hers. We chatted outside the sanctuary for a while talking about how similar our little boys were... before I knew it, our conversation [about 10 minutes] was over and I failed to get her name. She was such a sweetheart and her darling little boy was a huge flirt. Him and B3 were having some sort of baby code talk that was probably them plotting against us for what we were sharing about them. She seems really nice though and I do hope she and her husband and son come back to visit.

We also got to meet Rachel, Ben, Josh, and Nick. This foursome are SVSU students, 3 are on full ride scholarships for football. After meeting them initially in second service, I had to exit due to a somewhat cranky tired baby. While out in the hall I kept feeling like we should invite them out to lunch. Even if they didn't have the finances, I really wanted to get to know this group. After service, we invited them and they were going to pass because they are college freshmen... since we've all been there... we know that it means the money isn't really rolling in the bank account. We offered to pay for them and was surprised that they wanted to come to lunch. While at Charley's we had some good discussions and they seem to want what we want... friends who love Christ and center their lives around it. Josh kind of got his two roommates back on the Christ-train and that was super cool to see a college freshman not afraid to talk about Jesus to those he shares a room with. In today's society, many people stray from the topic of Jesus and instead talk about partying, drinking, food, etc. I loved hearing about their lives and they even said they really liked Crosspoint and that they felt they found 'their' church. How awesome is that? The thing they really liked was the meet & greet time and they just felt extremely welcome. That is music to my ears! We also had two of our other friends go to lunch with us [Jason and Laura] and found out some really good news that Jason had to share. God answers prayers people... he really does.

With all of this COOL stuff happening within our church body, I am somewhat convicted because I really am not spending as much personal time with Jesus as I should be. I am still in my dry spell and my zeal is not where I wished it were. As much as I want to be in my word, I just cannot be excited doing it. When I'm worshiping him, it's a whole different story because I feel extremely connected to Him... but not through reading. I found some old college notes from a theology class I took and reading those was interesting and fun... but not my word. Just gotta keep plugging away I suppose...

Confession: A little of this, A little of that.

First, I shall take the plank out of my own eye...

Now, I'm getting uptight about how Brian and I rearrange our schedules for other people all the time. Many times, I do not mind but there are times where it's like, 'can't you see we are always the one changing our schedule?' To think that your time is more precious than ours is a hard pill to swallow. I started this with taking the plank out of my own eye because I know there are times that people need to rearrange their schedules for us. I just wish there was a better balance.

Tonight was the first night that I got to actually see Big Brian. He has been working the last 4 days and I rarely saw him due to our work schedules. It feels nice just to be in the same room with him and not in passing. He is actually kicking some major tail in COD and I enjoy watching him play.

I am learning that I am not a confident person. I was offered $2500 to do a photo shoot for someone and I chickened out. I'm not very confident in my ability. It seems as though when I do take pictures they get compared to other people's and how they are better or they are more 'gifted.' Gosh, I really dislike that word. I am who I am... I take pictures the way I do. I think I have done some good work on couples and babies and maybe a few wedding shots but to me being ok is not good enough to commit to a $2500 job. Instead, I recommended someone else to do it because of my lack of confidence. Dumb Dumb Dumb.

Sometimes I wish we could rewind time... not in the sense of because I want to relive anything but in the sense that I think we are over sensationalized by video games, cell phones, computers, technology in general. What would we do as a society with NO electronics for one week? I can tell you what we would do, we would go crazy! I just feel that many times we get so caught up on what's on tv or who's on the radio or what game is being played on a cell phone that we forget to actually communicate with people around us. To sit down and have a conversation without the distraction of a cell phone would be exquisite. Brian has like a million paid days off this year and I would really like to take a family vaca with no distractions. Just me, him, and the boy. No cell phones [unless for an emergency], no tv, no nothing.

Lots going through my head tonight...can you tell?

Confession: Feeling Very Sad

I am finding myself missing my old place of employment. I miss having relationships with people at work and being able to just talk to someone other than a 6 month old. I have that time now too, but it's a rarity. I miss my old co-workers. I miss the adrenaline rush of chasing people. The thing I love about CPC is having my little boy with me each and every day and I wouldn't change that for anything. I love that I get to meet new people each and every day. I guess you could say that working there is fulfilling in a different way than what Kohls was. I guess I'm just a little sad tonight. I see so many different sides of people that I never thought I would see and it's taking a toll on me. I'm just sad...

Confession: I sent a woman to prison...

... and I'm still feeling really bad about it. Granted, I am not the one who sentenced her but I am the one who turned in the warrant request. I asked the prosecutor to drop the case many times but they did not want to. As I sit here and reflect I'm just lost and torn. Here she is, sitting in prison for 10-3o years. Her children will have to speak to her through glass and will not have the luxury of growing up with their mom. Why do I feel so guilty over this? She is the one who committed the crime. This wasn't her first run in with the law and even though I know this, it's still eating at me. What is going on???

I prayed for her today... I hope that even though she is back in the system that this time it changes her. That she comes out a woman of God or at least a woman asking questions about who God is and what he is about.

Today has just been an interesting day. At Zumba, and yes this is off of the topic of my confession, a lady said that our church only caters to those who are young and married. To me this was funny because a lot of the 'younger' people feel that they cater to the older people. She also stated that my church was very judgmental against people who were, as an example, single moms. I disagreed with her and said that I haven't seen any rude behavior towards any single moms that come and that they are welcome. She stated differently and even gave an example. This really hurt my heart today that someone views my church as being this way. That is not the impression they want to give and I've never seen them give that kind of impression. I guess I will pray for this person and hope that God opens their eyes to see that God is using the church in a wonderful way to bless people and bring people together no matter what is going on. Hm...

Confession: I had a very short fuse today.

The best feeling I have had all day is when I apologized to both Brian [husband] and Brian [baby]. Let's rewind and I'll download.

Last night was just horrible. I'm not sure if I had food poisoning or what but everything that you would get with it, I had. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time in the bathroom and barely got any sleep. This morning, both Brian's wake up and the little one started off in a fairly good mood. I still wasn't feeling the best so I texted my boss saying I wasn't going to be in at my normal time due to what was going on but that I was going to try to be in later.

At 9 am, Brian made a comment and for some reason I got extremely frustrated. I'm sure the lack of sleep and a now very cranky baby did not help. I grabbed little Brian and his diaper bag and went to get in the car... only to realize that the car seat swap was in motion, therefore there was no place for little Brian at the moment. I just felt my pot boiling and I brought little Brian back in the house and started to cry. My stomach was killing me, the baby was crying, I had 1 - maybe 2 hours of sleep at the most, and it was just time to break down.

The baby was over tired so I attempted to put him down for a nap which is sometimes successful. This one was, but for only 30 minutes. By this time I had started to calm down but felt like I was still on edge. I knew that big Brian had to lay down for work tonight and I was dreading dealing with little Brian because some days there is no pacifying him. Well, big Brian went to sleep and little Brian went down for a nap, which allowed me to shut my eyes for a little bit. Even though it wasn't even an hour, I felt completely rejuvenated. When I woke up, I knew what I had to do and once big Brian woke up, I apologized to him for being a butthead this morning. My fuse was definitely short and I knew it even while I was being a butthead... however I couldn't bring myself out of it. Of course, big Brian forgave me but I knew I had to apologize to little Brian as well.

After papa left this evening for work, we had a little chat. Well, I talked and he [hopefully] listened. I told him I was sorry because although I know he will see me lose my cool, I really don't want to do it that often. It's my goal to set a good example for him, not a bad one. He just looked up at me with those big beautiful eyes and although he may not know what forgiveness is, I totally felt forgiven. It's quite the experience to apologize to a 6 month old but I'm so glad I did it.

So yes, my fuse is a little longer now. I'm still completely exhausted and my tummy is still flipping up, down, and all around. Even though today started out pretty bad, it ended nicely as I hope to have started being a good example for my son, showing him that it's not bad to say that you are wrong.

Confession: I have an addiction...

... to ink pens! I LOVE to purchase them. It isn't a good day when I go to staples or office max because all I want to do is look at the ink pen aisle. I could spend a few hours looking at them. I'm very particular about ink pens meaning I only like the fine point, or ultra fine point tips. I do not like medium tipped pens and get annoyed when I have to use them. Gel ink pens are not my favorite either. The gel is just too thick when it gets put on paper.

I have a lot of ink pens that I inherited from someone and majority of them are the dreaded medium tipped ones. Yuck! It is so hard to not buy a pack of RSVP pens or something when I go to a store. I have to tell myself that I do not need any ink pens but I want them. Oye...

Confession: I don't have many girl friends.

I don't but I want that to change.

I realize that the reason why I do not is because my best friend in high school whom I was extremely close with decided to talk about me behind my back when I was standing right behind her. After that, I was never really fully able to trust another female.

The girls in my small group are amazing though and I appreciate them so much. I love how I know I can trust them but I've realized that I don't really know how to be "girly." What do girls do when they get together? I'm not the hair and make up kind of gal and don't know what I could contribute to something like that.

I cannot tell you the last time I called and talked to a female because I was struggling or I needed something. It has been at least 12 years. Isn't that sad? Oye, I've been learning so much about myself that I want to change and guess I just need to do it. I mean, it isn't rocket science. I have so many people that I am getting to know that I would love to hang out with one on one so I'm just going to have to get over it and do it.

Time to put on my big girl pants...

Confession: I Am Lumpy

Yes. It's true. I can blog about this because no one ever really read my old blog so why not start a new one that no one will read! Now I can share all of my deep dark secrets... right?

Anyway, back to my confession. I am lumpy. I found a lump in my left armpit a few days ago and in the few days since I have found it, it has doubled in size. Tonight, there is another one forming. I went to the doctor today, a new doctor that I never met nor was able to do any research on and was told that it's a follicular cyst after he spoke about my breasts all while not even touching or really looking at my lump[s]. Yes. It's true.

I'll explain...

I walk into the doctors office and finally get called back. When the doctor enters, I had on a tank top so he would be able to see my wonderful new friend "lumpy" without me having to get undressed any further. So, I'm sitting on the table with my tank top on and he said "Oh, I see you are on birth control, have any kids?" I told him that I did and that my son was almost 6 months old. He asks if I am breast feeding and I tell him that I was not because my milk never came in. I KID YOU NOT, THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS while looking at my breasts... "With breasts like that, how could you not get any milk?" I give him a VERY WEIRD look and he said, "Oh the stuff I get away with."

At this point, I'm extremely weirded out but have no idea what to do. Was it just his personality?? Who knows. I was already there and had already been humiliated by his comment and I really did not want to wait to get this bump looked at because of my family history of breast cancer. Well, he stands 3 feet away, asks me to lift my arm and says it's a follicular cyst. He didn't touch it [not that I would want him to at that point anyway], he didn't look at it closely, he didn't do anything. I left there feeling disgusting and had no answers. This doctor did call in a prescription for me for an antibiotic. Hmmm... a cyst will go away with an antibiotic? That's new to me!

Anyway, I come home and find there is another lump. So yes, I am lumpy. There you have it... today's confession.