Ana Creed...

Ana Creed

It was a lifestyle I chose to live once upon a time. It was my hope, my strength, my being. It was a challenge that I wanted to take to prove to myself that I could actually follow through with something without failing. Day after day, I continuously hurt myself following the creed to try to allow myself to feel better. Currently, I am struggling with wanting to dig out notes and try to start that phase again because in my mind, I really was happy with how I looked. Lately, I have really been struggling with my body/looks. Not only am I still NOT losing weight but now acne has made it's evil appearance once again. I feel like I am going through puberty all over again!


I fear that one day, Brian is going to walk in the door from work and be like, "what happened to you?" I want him to love me and I want him to think that I am beautiful. He tells me this all the time but I have a hard time believing it because of how I view myself. I have a hard time looking at myself how God views me. I don't even know how he views me. 


I know digging out old reading material is bad which is why I have not done it yet but am finding it more and more difficult to not. I remember what it was like doing this many years ago and I remember how dedicated you have to be... in the beginning. Once you get rolling, it's a piece of cake. It's only the first day or two that stink. I want to be able to wear a pretty dress. I want to be able to look nice. I want to not have a closet full of tshirts and actually have a dress shirt or clothing that not only looks good but makes me feel good. How is this possible when I'm not at a size I desire? Working out is a given but that has given me no results. Time to give up? I'm just having a hard day... I wish our bed rooms and bathroom had no mirror so I couldn't look at myself and constantly judge all the flaws I feel I have. How can I be a confident woman when I wish I could hide every day? How can I teach my son to be confident with who he is as he grows up if I am not living by example?

Sure, you say, just do it. Just don't let the negative thoughts get to you. Yeah right. It's easier said than done.


Ah.... Ana Creed I love you but I hate you...........................................................

There are so many things in life that we can get caught up in. Our bills, our desires, our earthly possessions, what clothes we want, what kind of car we drive, etc. These things have no say in our standing in Heaven. Someone told me today that they just didn't know what they would do without their car and how it meant the world to them. This person, I know, has a personal relationship with Jesus. I asked them how much Jesus meant to them... I mean the talk of their car and just how it was "the one" they have always wanted and although it was purchased pridefully [they couldn't/can't really afford it but it looks good] they just "couldn't live without it."

Hm... well, what would you do if God asked you to sell your "prized" possession and get something that didn't look so good?? That's when I heard it, "Jesus would not ask that of me."

Granted, there are times that He would not ask us to get rid of our possessions but this person talks more about their vehicle than their walk with Jesus. I asked how that relationship was and was told they are going through a "dry" season that they aren't spending time in their word because they just don't have time and besides, what's the point if you are in a dry season.

So, I ask myself... what is the point? Why spend time with Jesus? To me, this is a very obvious answer... .... .... .... BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. Jesus needs to be our number one. J-E-S-U-S. Not a vehicle. I mess up in this area sometimes but I am thankful because the minute I get caught up in my possessions, it's like God reminds me that they are really His and not mine... I'm just the keeper of them at this time. Drinks get spilled on our white carpet all the time... did it bother me at first? Yeah, a little. Does it bother me now? No. It's carpet and I the time I would spend being upset that my carpet looks lived in, I could be talking/praying with Jesus and not having to worry about whats stained, broken, dented, etc.

I'm not a very elegant speaker but I have learned over the years that our perspective is huge. What is important to us in our earthly beings isn't necessarily important to Jesus or our relationship with him. I often wonder what Heaven will be like. I mean, it's not like I can take my car up there or my couch... Yes, it's nice to have nice things and things that we are proud of, do not get me wrong, but it's where our perspective is on these items. Do we think more about our things [possessions] than we do about Jesus? Do we desire to spend more time with those things [ie, playing video games etc] than in our word or worshiping our Father in Heaven? I used to do this. My priorities were off but I am SO thankful to have my mind in the right place. I love my life and love my relationship I have with Him. He is my Father, my Savior, my Friend.

Confession: Reality Check

The harsh reality of what being a police officer is all about has set in. Not just a police officer but a police officers wife. As I'm sure you have all heard by now, a State Trooper was shot during a traffic stop with a subject. The officer, thank God, is not majorly hurt but either way, the experience is a reality check.

It is funny because when Brian first became a police officer, I was excited and nervous. It was like my husband was a super hero... fighting crime to make our neighborhoods a safer place for everyone to live in. Then, you get a call at 2:30 in the morning stating something terrible happened, that he was going to be late, and that he would fill me in later. Of course, I immediately start scouring all the new media outlets looking for what took place. All I was told was that it involved an officer but Brian wanted me to know that he was ok. Nothing was posted on the news outlets so I just started to pray for this unknown officer. I prayed for his wife, his children [even though he doesn't have any] and for whatever happened to draw him closer to Jesus. Brian was due home at 3am... at 8:15am, he walks in the door and shares the reality of his career choice... a police officer was shot twice.

Tonight, Brian came home and we found out that the police radio traffic from that night is posted on YouTube. Brian and I listened to it and you hear this officers partner state that his buddy had been shot... his voice quivering... adrenaline pumping... nervous tension was quite evident in his radio call. Can we say reality check? I love that Brian is a police officer but I know that he is not untouchable. B3 and I pray every night that Brian return safely to us every morning and that he be protected while patrolling the streets of Saginaw. What this cop went through was a close call... you can even hear him in the background as his partner is speeding him to the hospital.

Reality Check. That could be Brian some day. I'm hoping that it will not, but it could be and the actions that took place last night make me want to hold him closer, to hug him tighter, to kiss him longer, to love him always. It's a reminder that sometimes the good guys win... sometimes the bad ones do. It's a reminder that I, as a wife and mother, need to trust Jesus with B2 and know that he IS protected. Our God is good ladies and gentlemen. He hears our prayers and I believe he does protect Brian and has equipped him with a heightened sense of awareness while patrolling the streets. I will continue to pray for this trooper and his wife... I ask that you do as well.

If you want to hear that radio call, go here.

It chills me to the bone to hear it... but it is a reality check.

No Confession Today...

No confession to share today... just random thoughts.

Brian and I have decided to beautify our yard, finally after almost a year of living in our home. Our neighbor to the East is very prim and proper about his yard even making sure that our guests, if we have a lot over, do not park near his lawn. Last year we did nothing with the landscaping, except cut down some branches off of the pine trees, and it looked quite dreary.I guess that is what being pregnant will do to ya... cause lots of laziness when it comes to working outside when it's hot out. Part of the front is done as of today ... leaving half the front, the whole east side and back yard yet to do. I'm thankful for my dear friend Sara who wants most of our plants from the yard. I truly do not want them and have zero tolerance for them. If it were a bush type deal I may enjoy it a little more but flowers, although beautiful, require more maintenance than I am willing to give. I'm happy to donate the flowers to someone who will actually care for them because I know we won't and know that we will once again be the "ugly" house on the block. Brian and I had fun getting mulch and looking at shrubery today. I just love spending time with him when I can. Our hectic lives make it difficult at times so I really love the times are actually get together.

B3 is sprouting his 5th tooth. 5. Can you believe it? I surely cannot! I so desperately want to try him on a puff or cheerio type deal so he can get used to feeding himself but am PETRIFIED that he will choke. I don't know how people do it! I gave him the tineist bite of something today, that I knew he would not choke on because it was too little, and he started gagging and was acting like he was choking on that! Oye!! When do you try the other stuff? Should I have 9-1-1 on speed dial??

I'm tired. Exhausted is more like it. This thyroid issue is really killing me. I should be doing better with being on this medication but honestly feel like I am getting worse. I feel more tired, more under the weather, and just more not myself. I still have to wait over a month to get that rechecked... but in good news, I'm all set to have surgery in early April for an issue that has been plaguing me for 8 months now. When I went to the doctor, he said he maybe sees a case like this once every 6 years. I kind of felt like a legend... haha. He said he would always remember me because in 6 years when someone else walks in with the same thing, he will tell them about me and my case 6 years previous. Nice. :o)

Well, enough rambling for this evening. It's time for a nice snack and a heating pad to end my wonderful evening.

Confession: I'm giving up...

There are many reasons why I am going to allow myself to fail/give up when it comes to the worship team. The first of which is that it is extremely hard to try to worship and take care of a child. B team doesn't have child care on it so it's me trying to juggle him and singing and with my wrist going crazy, it's not a good combination. The second of which is I cannot get past the "horrible" comment. All day at practice today, I felt worn down and extremely insecure. I couldn't step past it although I tried several times. I prayed, that didn't help. I tried to get help with B3, that didn't help. I just cannot do it. It's not an encouraging place to be for me anymore and that is truly sad.

Confession: Sometimes I do not understand why God does what he does...

My heart is hurting for my friend who is going through a miscarriage. Having gone through it, I know the pain but it makes me question why God does what he does. I just don't get it. Obviously I know in my head that He does things like this because there could be a defect in the baby or something worse but the pain of having to experience the loss of a baby... of a child. The only thing I have found myself doing is praying for them... praying that hearts will heal and that the road to negativity does not last long. Denial in this process is very easy to go to and I hope that does not happen because it truly does make it worse later on down the road.

Dear Jesus,

I just do not understand. I admit, I am ignorant as to why things happen to good people. I've seen this happen to so many people or know people who would make amazing parents never have the opportunity to have a child of their own. I get confused as to why people who should not have children get to be blessed by them and then the opposite happen to those who deserve them. Ha! Who AM I to judge? Shame on me! God, I know that you know what you are doing... this isn't your first rodeo... but that doesn't mean that I lack understanding. I don't know how to be a support to my friend because I feel the denial process has started but don't want to push either. Please give me the wisdom to handle this situation well for them and be able to be a support whenever needed.

Ah!!!

Confession: I will never face my fear again...

...

I know I shouldn't use definite words like never because I know that one day I will face my fear again but I'm really struggling with one in particular.

I stopped singing a long time ago after being in choir for 4 years and band for 10. I stopped because someone told me that I sounded horrible and that it would do everyone a favor if I stopped. So I did... I stopped singing out loud for 14 years. Well, at a recent worship practice, as in I decided to try it again and have been doing so for a few months now, someone told me that I sounded horrible and that I shouldn't be up there unless I could do it.

Talk about wanting to quit. That person has since apologized but honestly the wound has been uncovered and hit with a big dosage of salt. It sucks. I have lost all confidence to sing and told Pastor that I was no longer on the worship team. Of course he didn't accept that answer but I don't know if I can do it again. I'm trying hard to get over it but it's difficult. I mean, this person could have said, "you were off today" or something nicer... but to say that I sounded horrible and to say it in front of other people is just traumatizing. This has been bothering me for 2 weeks now and I do not know what to do. I know when I'm confident in what I'm doing, I can sing ok... nothing spectacular but did you really have to say "horrible?" I really do want to be done...

Confession: I've become a crazy prayer woman...

Ok, so not necessarily crazy but I am definitely a praying woman lately. If I tell you that I am going to pray for you, know that I am. I get so excited to pray and I could spend a lot of time doing it. Now, if you know me or my history, you are probably asking yourself what changed.

The weird thing is, 6 months ago, I hated praying. Wait, it's not that I 'hated' it but more like I was insecure in my prayer thinking it was not good enough to cover the person I was praying for. One night I just wanted to be open with God about it and I dumped it all [aka gave it over] to him and since then, I can't stop praying! I LOVE it! I make it a point to pray with B3 as well. So if you told me something really personal and secretive, I'm sorry, but I shared with my 7 month old son. [He's pretty good at this prayer thing too].

Anyways, I love doing it now and it doesn't even really bother me to do it out loud anymore. I look forward to praying and do it throughout the day so if YOU or ANYONE you know needs prayer... let me know. I'll help give it to God.

Confession: I have many physical scars.

Yep. Lots of them. There is a story behind each one and some stories I am not so proud of. It's funny because I look at each one [there are two I have had since being a baby that I have no idea how I got] but think about each of the situations I was in when I got them. My favorite, of course, is the putty knife vs my leg. The putty knife won and each time I look at my leg, I have to laugh at how that happened. I used to be ashamed of the scars I have and thought they were ugly because what is beautiful about a scar? Well, the story behind it. The trials that have been overcome. The fears faced. The results of depression.

God has brought me through a lot. Through each and every scar, whether I knew it [or Him] or not, he was there with me. Funny how if I would have known Him fully or just went to Him when needed, how some of these scars would not exist. Weird... the kind of peace knowing Him can bring and relying fully on what he can and will do if we as people are just willing to give it over to God. Crazy... who woulda thunk it. [Yes, I know that is not proper English.]

Confession: I'm disappointed.

I was so proud of myself these past few days/week because I planned a pretty sweet date night for Brian and I tomorrow. I had the baby sitter set and reservations made and it was going to be grand. Then, Brian tells me that they [his family] changed days on looking at cabins up north and made plans for Saturday. DANG!! So, plans were cancelled for Saturday. Brian and I haven't had a date night in forever and I really wish once we could actually go out when planned. But, yet again [and yes, this is me venting - we put ourselves/relationship on hold to satisfy others.] **Insert sad face**

Ok, so I plan everything for Friday. I'm able to move my reservation and every thing was going to work out. Babysitter was set to come to our house at 1pm and we were gonna be off. Then the usual Friday morning meeting that Brian attends now had to be in the afternoon ... at 1pm. It's no fault of Brian's because I really just wanted to surprise him so he didn't know that I had things ready to go...

Yet another phone call to the baby sitter to say nevermind. I'm deeply saddend and disappointed that all of these surprises I'm trying to create for us are always put on the back burner. Other people come first... for both of us. We like to serve others but I really just want to see/talk to my husband. With the work schedule the way it is, we rarely see each other now anyways.

Next time I really want to be selfish and say "Sorry everyone, but I have a date planned and we are going on it."

But part of me really wants to say "Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency."

oye... :o(

Confession: I am in l.o.v.e.

There are so many times that the daily tasks I have take my focus away from things. With Brian's work schedule being the way it is, I pretty much get to see him 3 days a week that we actually get to see each other. When we do get to see each other, it's pretty much a dump session that I tell him everything that has happened over the previous days and vice versa. It's weird too, because I see what it's like to be a single mom at that time too. He is sleeping and when he gets up, he goes straight to work, then comes home and goes to bed... the cycle is pretty regular. All I have to say, is I do not know how single women can do it! I get so tuckered out by the 3rd day that I just can't wait to have the help!

Anyway, back to the topic of this... One day last week as I was dumping on Brian about the events that took place, I kind of had an outer body experience. I know I was talking to him and I know what I was saying but it's like I was standing outside my body watching myself talk to him. Then I looked at him.

I love this man so much. I love how he makes me feel. I love how he holds me and how he cares about me. He listens to me no matter how many times I repeat myself with the same story and he is there to constantly support me. Being able to experience this kind of love is amazing and I could not be more happier.

There are so many people in relationships that I know who do not have that... and it makes me sad. I can only pray that one day they too will get to know Jesus and have that kind of relationship.

Thank you Jesus for the blessings you have continuously given me. Thank you for the loving, kind husband I have and for his compassion and love for me. I am honored that you chose him for me and grateful to call him mine.

On a side note.. I had 5 friends give birth to 5 babies [all girls] in a 5 day window!
1/29 Caroline --> Krarrie [Yes, that R is supposed to be there]
1/30 Katie --> Stacylynn
1/31 Joylynn --> Sonya
2/1 Grace --> Hope
2/2 Cheresa --> Madison

Guess it's the season for girls!

Confession: I miss someone I have never met...

Playing

Dancing

Reading

Buying my first car
Going on my first date
Approving of the man I want to marry
Father Daughter Dance
Walking me down the aisle
Seeing my son
Family Cookouts
A HUG




The list can go on and on...

The jist of it, is I miss my father. I miss a man I never knew. I miss the man I hope he was and always envisioned him being. I remember going to his grave site many many years ago [I was a young teenager] and I just remember looking at his headstone and cried. Why? Why shed tears over someone I never met? Granted, he is my father and there will always be that connection we have ... I mean he did give me life but other knowing that, I have nothing to miss. Or do I?

I have always felt stupid when these feelings have come up in me. Yes, I will never have any of the above interactions with him and every year I know this but still does not make it easier. This year it is a little different for me because I find myself asking questions that are important to me but not so to my mom.

Was he saved? [No] But did he believe? [Don't know] Did he cry out to God in his last moments? Did he love me? Why were there NO pictures taken of he and I while he was here? Will I be reunited with him when I pass? WHERE WAS HE AT SPIRITUALLY???? As God becomes an increasingly bigger part of my life, I can't help but think this about all my relatives. I know many are not saved, but some believe. To what extent, who knows because they never talk about it but is it enough?? Some of my family/friends do not understand how I feel and why I believe what I do because to them, God may exist but not enough to captivate them enough to want to learn more. I'm scared for when they pass because how could you not want to spend eternity with Him? Where is my dad??

I was thinking about hell last night and just how miserable of a place that must be and how I never want see it. Then I got thinking... I sin. Is my sin bad enough to send me there? I repent and try to make right what I can, but is it enough?

I can only hope that when I do go, that I will see him waiting for me, arms extended to embrace me. I hope that I will get the hug I've wanted since I knew what hugs were. I'm hopeful that will happen... I'm hoping that in his last moments, he called out to God and God grabbed him and held him in those moments when he was in pain, unable to breathe. I hope that as he took his last breath, he was with Jesus right then and there...


I hope....

Confession: I met some really cool people today!

Church was awesome today [and yes, Mr McCubbin, I can say Awesome because God's work is awesome!!] :o) ! Worship was really rough for me because my throat has been swollen and on fire for a few days so I don't think my part went very well today but I did what I could with what my voice allowed. I felt bad that I wasn't contributing as much as I should have been.

There were SO MANY new faces today in second service.

I started off by meeting a lady who had a 5 month old. She works at the hospital with a friend of ours and came to our church to try it out because it is a lot closer than hers. We chatted outside the sanctuary for a while talking about how similar our little boys were... before I knew it, our conversation [about 10 minutes] was over and I failed to get her name. She was such a sweetheart and her darling little boy was a huge flirt. Him and B3 were having some sort of baby code talk that was probably them plotting against us for what we were sharing about them. She seems really nice though and I do hope she and her husband and son come back to visit.

We also got to meet Rachel, Ben, Josh, and Nick. This foursome are SVSU students, 3 are on full ride scholarships for football. After meeting them initially in second service, I had to exit due to a somewhat cranky tired baby. While out in the hall I kept feeling like we should invite them out to lunch. Even if they didn't have the finances, I really wanted to get to know this group. After service, we invited them and they were going to pass because they are college freshmen... since we've all been there... we know that it means the money isn't really rolling in the bank account. We offered to pay for them and was surprised that they wanted to come to lunch. While at Charley's we had some good discussions and they seem to want what we want... friends who love Christ and center their lives around it. Josh kind of got his two roommates back on the Christ-train and that was super cool to see a college freshman not afraid to talk about Jesus to those he shares a room with. In today's society, many people stray from the topic of Jesus and instead talk about partying, drinking, food, etc. I loved hearing about their lives and they even said they really liked Crosspoint and that they felt they found 'their' church. How awesome is that? The thing they really liked was the meet & greet time and they just felt extremely welcome. That is music to my ears! We also had two of our other friends go to lunch with us [Jason and Laura] and found out some really good news that Jason had to share. God answers prayers people... he really does.

With all of this COOL stuff happening within our church body, I am somewhat convicted because I really am not spending as much personal time with Jesus as I should be. I am still in my dry spell and my zeal is not where I wished it were. As much as I want to be in my word, I just cannot be excited doing it. When I'm worshiping him, it's a whole different story because I feel extremely connected to Him... but not through reading. I found some old college notes from a theology class I took and reading those was interesting and fun... but not my word. Just gotta keep plugging away I suppose...

Confession: A little of this, A little of that.

First, I shall take the plank out of my own eye...

Now, I'm getting uptight about how Brian and I rearrange our schedules for other people all the time. Many times, I do not mind but there are times where it's like, 'can't you see we are always the one changing our schedule?' To think that your time is more precious than ours is a hard pill to swallow. I started this with taking the plank out of my own eye because I know there are times that people need to rearrange their schedules for us. I just wish there was a better balance.

Tonight was the first night that I got to actually see Big Brian. He has been working the last 4 days and I rarely saw him due to our work schedules. It feels nice just to be in the same room with him and not in passing. He is actually kicking some major tail in COD and I enjoy watching him play.

I am learning that I am not a confident person. I was offered $2500 to do a photo shoot for someone and I chickened out. I'm not very confident in my ability. It seems as though when I do take pictures they get compared to other people's and how they are better or they are more 'gifted.' Gosh, I really dislike that word. I am who I am... I take pictures the way I do. I think I have done some good work on couples and babies and maybe a few wedding shots but to me being ok is not good enough to commit to a $2500 job. Instead, I recommended someone else to do it because of my lack of confidence. Dumb Dumb Dumb.

Sometimes I wish we could rewind time... not in the sense of because I want to relive anything but in the sense that I think we are over sensationalized by video games, cell phones, computers, technology in general. What would we do as a society with NO electronics for one week? I can tell you what we would do, we would go crazy! I just feel that many times we get so caught up on what's on tv or who's on the radio or what game is being played on a cell phone that we forget to actually communicate with people around us. To sit down and have a conversation without the distraction of a cell phone would be exquisite. Brian has like a million paid days off this year and I would really like to take a family vaca with no distractions. Just me, him, and the boy. No cell phones [unless for an emergency], no tv, no nothing.

Lots going through my head tonight...can you tell?

Confession: Feeling Very Sad

I am finding myself missing my old place of employment. I miss having relationships with people at work and being able to just talk to someone other than a 6 month old. I have that time now too, but it's a rarity. I miss my old co-workers. I miss the adrenaline rush of chasing people. The thing I love about CPC is having my little boy with me each and every day and I wouldn't change that for anything. I love that I get to meet new people each and every day. I guess you could say that working there is fulfilling in a different way than what Kohls was. I guess I'm just a little sad tonight. I see so many different sides of people that I never thought I would see and it's taking a toll on me. I'm just sad...

Confession: I sent a woman to prison...

... and I'm still feeling really bad about it. Granted, I am not the one who sentenced her but I am the one who turned in the warrant request. I asked the prosecutor to drop the case many times but they did not want to. As I sit here and reflect I'm just lost and torn. Here she is, sitting in prison for 10-3o years. Her children will have to speak to her through glass and will not have the luxury of growing up with their mom. Why do I feel so guilty over this? She is the one who committed the crime. This wasn't her first run in with the law and even though I know this, it's still eating at me. What is going on???

I prayed for her today... I hope that even though she is back in the system that this time it changes her. That she comes out a woman of God or at least a woman asking questions about who God is and what he is about.

Today has just been an interesting day. At Zumba, and yes this is off of the topic of my confession, a lady said that our church only caters to those who are young and married. To me this was funny because a lot of the 'younger' people feel that they cater to the older people. She also stated that my church was very judgmental against people who were, as an example, single moms. I disagreed with her and said that I haven't seen any rude behavior towards any single moms that come and that they are welcome. She stated differently and even gave an example. This really hurt my heart today that someone views my church as being this way. That is not the impression they want to give and I've never seen them give that kind of impression. I guess I will pray for this person and hope that God opens their eyes to see that God is using the church in a wonderful way to bless people and bring people together no matter what is going on. Hm...

Confession: I had a very short fuse today.

The best feeling I have had all day is when I apologized to both Brian [husband] and Brian [baby]. Let's rewind and I'll download.

Last night was just horrible. I'm not sure if I had food poisoning or what but everything that you would get with it, I had. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time in the bathroom and barely got any sleep. This morning, both Brian's wake up and the little one started off in a fairly good mood. I still wasn't feeling the best so I texted my boss saying I wasn't going to be in at my normal time due to what was going on but that I was going to try to be in later.

At 9 am, Brian made a comment and for some reason I got extremely frustrated. I'm sure the lack of sleep and a now very cranky baby did not help. I grabbed little Brian and his diaper bag and went to get in the car... only to realize that the car seat swap was in motion, therefore there was no place for little Brian at the moment. I just felt my pot boiling and I brought little Brian back in the house and started to cry. My stomach was killing me, the baby was crying, I had 1 - maybe 2 hours of sleep at the most, and it was just time to break down.

The baby was over tired so I attempted to put him down for a nap which is sometimes successful. This one was, but for only 30 minutes. By this time I had started to calm down but felt like I was still on edge. I knew that big Brian had to lay down for work tonight and I was dreading dealing with little Brian because some days there is no pacifying him. Well, big Brian went to sleep and little Brian went down for a nap, which allowed me to shut my eyes for a little bit. Even though it wasn't even an hour, I felt completely rejuvenated. When I woke up, I knew what I had to do and once big Brian woke up, I apologized to him for being a butthead this morning. My fuse was definitely short and I knew it even while I was being a butthead... however I couldn't bring myself out of it. Of course, big Brian forgave me but I knew I had to apologize to little Brian as well.

After papa left this evening for work, we had a little chat. Well, I talked and he [hopefully] listened. I told him I was sorry because although I know he will see me lose my cool, I really don't want to do it that often. It's my goal to set a good example for him, not a bad one. He just looked up at me with those big beautiful eyes and although he may not know what forgiveness is, I totally felt forgiven. It's quite the experience to apologize to a 6 month old but I'm so glad I did it.

So yes, my fuse is a little longer now. I'm still completely exhausted and my tummy is still flipping up, down, and all around. Even though today started out pretty bad, it ended nicely as I hope to have started being a good example for my son, showing him that it's not bad to say that you are wrong.

Confession: I have an addiction...

... to ink pens! I LOVE to purchase them. It isn't a good day when I go to staples or office max because all I want to do is look at the ink pen aisle. I could spend a few hours looking at them. I'm very particular about ink pens meaning I only like the fine point, or ultra fine point tips. I do not like medium tipped pens and get annoyed when I have to use them. Gel ink pens are not my favorite either. The gel is just too thick when it gets put on paper.

I have a lot of ink pens that I inherited from someone and majority of them are the dreaded medium tipped ones. Yuck! It is so hard to not buy a pack of RSVP pens or something when I go to a store. I have to tell myself that I do not need any ink pens but I want them. Oye...

Confession: I don't have many girl friends.

I don't but I want that to change.

I realize that the reason why I do not is because my best friend in high school whom I was extremely close with decided to talk about me behind my back when I was standing right behind her. After that, I was never really fully able to trust another female.

The girls in my small group are amazing though and I appreciate them so much. I love how I know I can trust them but I've realized that I don't really know how to be "girly." What do girls do when they get together? I'm not the hair and make up kind of gal and don't know what I could contribute to something like that.

I cannot tell you the last time I called and talked to a female because I was struggling or I needed something. It has been at least 12 years. Isn't that sad? Oye, I've been learning so much about myself that I want to change and guess I just need to do it. I mean, it isn't rocket science. I have so many people that I am getting to know that I would love to hang out with one on one so I'm just going to have to get over it and do it.

Time to put on my big girl pants...

Confession: I Am Lumpy

Yes. It's true. I can blog about this because no one ever really read my old blog so why not start a new one that no one will read! Now I can share all of my deep dark secrets... right?

Anyway, back to my confession. I am lumpy. I found a lump in my left armpit a few days ago and in the few days since I have found it, it has doubled in size. Tonight, there is another one forming. I went to the doctor today, a new doctor that I never met nor was able to do any research on and was told that it's a follicular cyst after he spoke about my breasts all while not even touching or really looking at my lump[s]. Yes. It's true.

I'll explain...

I walk into the doctors office and finally get called back. When the doctor enters, I had on a tank top so he would be able to see my wonderful new friend "lumpy" without me having to get undressed any further. So, I'm sitting on the table with my tank top on and he said "Oh, I see you are on birth control, have any kids?" I told him that I did and that my son was almost 6 months old. He asks if I am breast feeding and I tell him that I was not because my milk never came in. I KID YOU NOT, THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS while looking at my breasts... "With breasts like that, how could you not get any milk?" I give him a VERY WEIRD look and he said, "Oh the stuff I get away with."

At this point, I'm extremely weirded out but have no idea what to do. Was it just his personality?? Who knows. I was already there and had already been humiliated by his comment and I really did not want to wait to get this bump looked at because of my family history of breast cancer. Well, he stands 3 feet away, asks me to lift my arm and says it's a follicular cyst. He didn't touch it [not that I would want him to at that point anyway], he didn't look at it closely, he didn't do anything. I left there feeling disgusting and had no answers. This doctor did call in a prescription for me for an antibiotic. Hmmm... a cyst will go away with an antibiotic? That's new to me!

Anyway, I come home and find there is another lump. So yes, I am lumpy. There you have it... today's confession.