Ana Creed...

Ana Creed

It was a lifestyle I chose to live once upon a time. It was my hope, my strength, my being. It was a challenge that I wanted to take to prove to myself that I could actually follow through with something without failing. Day after day, I continuously hurt myself following the creed to try to allow myself to feel better. Currently, I am struggling with wanting to dig out notes and try to start that phase again because in my mind, I really was happy with how I looked. Lately, I have really been struggling with my body/looks. Not only am I still NOT losing weight but now acne has made it's evil appearance once again. I feel like I am going through puberty all over again!


I fear that one day, Brian is going to walk in the door from work and be like, "what happened to you?" I want him to love me and I want him to think that I am beautiful. He tells me this all the time but I have a hard time believing it because of how I view myself. I have a hard time looking at myself how God views me. I don't even know how he views me. 


I know digging out old reading material is bad which is why I have not done it yet but am finding it more and more difficult to not. I remember what it was like doing this many years ago and I remember how dedicated you have to be... in the beginning. Once you get rolling, it's a piece of cake. It's only the first day or two that stink. I want to be able to wear a pretty dress. I want to be able to look nice. I want to not have a closet full of tshirts and actually have a dress shirt or clothing that not only looks good but makes me feel good. How is this possible when I'm not at a size I desire? Working out is a given but that has given me no results. Time to give up? I'm just having a hard day... I wish our bed rooms and bathroom had no mirror so I couldn't look at myself and constantly judge all the flaws I feel I have. How can I be a confident woman when I wish I could hide every day? How can I teach my son to be confident with who he is as he grows up if I am not living by example?

Sure, you say, just do it. Just don't let the negative thoughts get to you. Yeah right. It's easier said than done.


Ah.... Ana Creed I love you but I hate you...........................................................