The best feeling I have had all day is when I apologized to both Brian [husband] and Brian [baby]. Let's rewind and I'll download.
Last night was just horrible. I'm not sure if I had food poisoning or what but everything that you would get with it, I had. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time in the bathroom and barely got any sleep. This morning, both Brian's wake up and the little one started off in a fairly good mood. I still wasn't feeling the best so I texted my boss saying I wasn't going to be in at my normal time due to what was going on but that I was going to try to be in later.
At 9 am, Brian made a comment and for some reason I got extremely frustrated. I'm sure the lack of sleep and a now very cranky baby did not help. I grabbed little Brian and his diaper bag and went to get in the car... only to realize that the car seat swap was in motion, therefore there was no place for little Brian at the moment. I just felt my pot boiling and I brought little Brian back in the house and started to cry. My stomach was killing me, the baby was crying, I had 1 - maybe 2 hours of sleep at the most, and it was just time to break down.
The baby was over tired so I attempted to put him down for a nap which is sometimes successful. This one was, but for only 30 minutes. By this time I had started to calm down but felt like I was still on edge. I knew that big Brian had to lay down for work tonight and I was dreading dealing with little Brian because some days there is no pacifying him. Well, big Brian went to sleep and little Brian went down for a nap, which allowed me to shut my eyes for a little bit. Even though it wasn't even an hour, I felt completely rejuvenated. When I woke up, I knew what I had to do and once big Brian woke up, I apologized to him for being a butthead this morning. My fuse was definitely short and I knew it even while I was being a butthead... however I couldn't bring myself out of it. Of course, big Brian forgave me but I knew I had to apologize to little Brian as well.
After papa left this evening for work, we had a little chat. Well, I talked and he [hopefully] listened. I told him I was sorry because although I know he will see me lose my cool, I really don't want to do it that often. It's my goal to set a good example for him, not a bad one. He just looked up at me with those big beautiful eyes and although he may not know what forgiveness is, I totally felt forgiven. It's quite the experience to apologize to a 6 month old but I'm so glad I did it.
So yes, my fuse is a little longer now. I'm still completely exhausted and my tummy is still flipping up, down, and all around. Even though today started out pretty bad, it ended nicely as I hope to have started being a good example for my son, showing him that it's not bad to say that you are wrong.
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